Saturday, June 12, 2010


This is a scene from " The Play" Co-written and directed with Greg Josselyn. It attempts to address, sexuality disability and the search for love. I think I will let it speak for itself:

davis, a man on the street, walks by.
without introduction, ekiwah asks:
Can I get into the sex shop?
Can I get into the sex shop?
It’s right there. You 18?
davis points to the sex shop
I can’t get in.
You need a fake ID?
The only way in is if you checked the amount of stairs.
I’m sorry.
What I’m really asking you.
Is if you can carry me up there.
laughs, uncomfortably
Wha. Ah. Hm. Oh. Okay. Um.
Hey, ah.
I’m sorry.
Fuck. Um.
See, the problem is that my back is out.
I would do it, man. Believe me. I honestly would do it. But. It really.
Would you mind checking the number of steps?
davis scopes it out
Looks like at least 15.
Do you think I could crawl?
Okay. What. (!) What are you gonna do – come in there on all fours like a
jungle boy? That’s crazy, man!
They’ve -- They’ve --- you know, they put ramps everywhere!
They’ve got a wheelchair accessible Post Office!
And they pride themselves on being the most wheelchair accessible---
I don’t know. They pride themselves on being the most wheelchair accessible
They have a wheelchair accessible campus.
You can almost go EVERYWHERE in this town!
And. A Sex Shop.
Which is. Sex is one of the most basic things to mankind, you know?
It’s not accessible.
Because there’s this assumption!
Okay. Come on, man. It’s nothing special up there. What do you want me to
do. I have no problem --- if you have money, I’ll go up and buy you
condoms. Like, it’s not a big deal. You want a movie? Fine. Your business,
What’s so fascinating about this thing?
You know, you’re really pushing me here. Cause, you know, I’ve got to get to
Well. What I’m wanting, is, I think there must be something, something more.
Which isn’t something that you can transport. Like, I don’t know, like. A dark
room with stars on the rooftop. And a gypsy swirling woman who owns a
tiger. And then, as I crawl up, well, it’s based on a dream I had. I, I find out
that I am the tiger and I’ve just escaped from the zoo and I’m just hungry for
food. And they sell these magic pens that you can only use to write on
somebody else’s body. They will only write on somebody else’s naked body,
not on paper.
And there’s just love.
Love. And you know, like that poem of Stanley Kunitz.
“Summer is late my heart. Words plucked out of the air some forty years ago
when I was wild with love. Darling, do you remember the man you married?
Touch me. Remind me who I am.”
Like, that kind of a feeling, you know?
I’m sorry.
Oh, no no no. I’m very happy with my life.
I’ll try someone else.
Have a beautiful day.
starts to turn away
No, no, no. But seriously, man. Honestly. I just want to tell you, yah, I totally
hear you. I just want to say.
It’s not what you think it is.
. . . .
It’s . . . It’s . . . Well. I rented a movie from there once.
And then I saw the woman was really thin, her bones were all sticking out
she had pounds of make up to cover her sleep rings and I was like, why? You
know what I mean? That girl looked really bad – And I’m sorry, real people
don’t look like that.
And like, she was being so objectified and looked so miserable and I just
vomited. It was disgusting. I’m just trying to say. You are such a nice guy.
And honestly, the stuff down there, you don’t know who you would meet, or
who would take advantage of you. Just be careful, okay?
(downloads this)
Thank you.
I guess I thought . . .
Never-mind, thank you. Thank you for your help.
a woman appears
ekiwah is struck by her
she climbs up to the sex shop
inspired, ekiwah writes a letter to a lover he doesn’t know yet:
I sing to your invisible shape
thickening in the frost on my window
and disappearing as I touch you
In the married women
whose bodies I cannot reach
I'm reminded of your boldness
They travel beneath the earth
to make love with death and live doubly
shooting spring into the minerals of the underground.
I dream of the pomegranate scattering
her jeweled laughter
across rivers and sinewy orchards
and young women shimmering light
within the day's gray studios
I wont be able to lift you into bed
jog with you on the beach
or unbutton you quickly
but I will come slowly
rolling on wheels
I strive to hear
the wind between the small cracks
of one sentence and another
bearing news of you
My body is an erect bamboo hungering heat
I'm not cut out for monastic love

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Expresing my sexual feelings

Since I was a young boy I was very romantic and would dream of the time when I would have children and be a father. I was quick to fall in love and I haven't changed much. There is plenty of room in my heart. Early on women both from Mexico and U.S gathered around me and became intimate friends. I was fortunate enough to hear about their feelings, relationships and gain their admiration and trust. Some of them seemed to say flirtatious things to me verbally but when I returned that flirtation they often backed off.

I also noticed that my friends in Mexico that were in not in wheelchairs were having usually a little more experience than I. They were going on dates, having short lived relationships, many of them already having sex and I wasn't. My friends in Mexico who were in wheelchairs who were around my age had some romances with other people in wheelchairs but not with people "without a disability."

Often when I expressed my romantic feelings towards women who I thought might reciprocate their response would be something like this: " I don't know what I feel for you.. Its a feeling I cant describe. I think its kind of like being in love -- I mean I find you attractive, but its more of a spiritual connection. To this day I don't know how much of those ambivalent responses were linked directly to my disability or what part of them were simply related to me regardless of my wheelchair. Thats part of the question. It seemed that at least on some occasions some of my female bodied friends I think experienced some fear around having to face my body and so transmuted their feelings of attraction into purely spiritual love. Although I say this as a statement its more of a question then an affirmation.

During my first year of college there was a young woman who was obviously in a very sexual mood. She was asking people random people to sit on her and stroke her. But for whatever reason boys were ignoring her. I said " You can cuddle with me" Before she could stop herself she said ... No.. you can't get it up. You are in a wheelchair. Her assumption that I was physically incapable didn't really anger me -- it made me aware that ableisim (unconscious prejudice towards bodies that stray from normalcy) can be a very real oppressive force that can in a small or big way affect all of us...